Thursday, September 13, 2012

Lost Love

Ever since I was a young girl growing up I thought of love as a fairy tale. I mean people would always speak about it as if it was life. It gave them everything they needed to wake up in the morning, to go about daily activities, and also the one person to lay down with every night. Through out my adult years I have longed for that feeling. It felt as though I would meet someone and soon I would be running from them. Whether it be running from commitment when that is what I was asking for or running from failure. Ever see a friend go through a terrible relationship and as you help them along think "I will never allow myself to be there". As much as we try and stay away from these painful experiences it is apart of life. 

I had a plan for myself. I thought that I would be married and happy and lovingly welcome my baby into this world at about 25. Things changed for me early on. I joined the military and life seemed just a little harder to get to what we all think "normal" is. The guy that I loved from adolescence to adulthood all of a sudden was no longer a part of my everyday life. I felt that I needed to grieve a loss but had no time to do so because life got in the way. My first relationship outside of my high school boyfriend and I find myself twenty years old and pregnant. All the things that I thought would never happen to me started to happen back to back. And there I was twenty and a single mom and not knowing how to cope. 

Not to mention I wanted to do what was best for my baby girl. Stay in a loveless relationship or find happiness for myself and hope my daughter recognizes that when she grows up? So I got out. I ran and never looked back. Although I knew I was making the right decision it did not make me feel any better to think that my daughter would ultimately grow up without her father. I started to live and make decisions for me and my baby. But we are all human and we all have our faults. So a few years later I find myself 23 and a single parent of two baby girls. 

I will never regret my decisions, they make me who I am. I know that I am stronger because of my decisions whether they be good or bad. When things get really tough I look in my baby girl's faces. I realize that unconditional LOVE that I have heard about, read about, listened to people cry about, was there right in front of me. I may be single for a long time but I know that my kids love me more than any companion could ever. So my road to marriage and love has not ended but I am no prisoner to it either. Still learning and loving all the same.  

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